Nut-Free New York

You know that weird-ass commercial where the guy says he’d eat a piece of bark if you put Sabra hummus on it (…and then starts croaking about “MEAT”)? Well, I think I’ve found him a snack. Hummus and MEAT not included.

I won’t lie: I never (ever) would have bought these crackers if I’d had to trade actual money for them. In fact, I passed on them at Whole Foods last week. And the week before. But the other day, I came upon them once more at NYU’s Sidestein Market, and I have a decent amount of leftover Dining Dollars (an on-campus currency that you pay for along with your meal swipes) that’ll disappear in a few weeks if I don’t spend them, so I figured I might as well give the crackers a try. How bad could they be?

Bad. Really bad. That’s the answer. They could be really, really bad—and I’m not sure whether they are, but I am sure that I could only get through a single bite of a single cracker before I started looking around for something to get its flavor out of my mouth. Alas, it was too late; I was already on the train, with nothing but a pint of ice cream (sans spoon) and, of course, more Mary’s. Shit.

I’d chosen the original crackers over the Super Seed (because I’m not a masochist) but boy, were they packed with seeds. Overall, the cracker tasted a whole lot like burnt seaweed, which definitely isn’t my thing, but which may be yours. You never know, right?

Honestly, I’m probably being a little harsh. In the interest of full disclosure: I’m the type of person who likes Funyuns and Ben & Jerry’s and gummy candies and string cheese and these are…well, they’re whole grain, gluten-free, vegan crackers made with brown rice, quinoa, and flax seeds. So maybe they don’t suck as much as I’d have you believe. Maybe these crackers and I just aren’t compatible. But the fact remains: I’m not going to be eating them.

But in case you’re still interested, Mary’s are safe. According to their various product pages, their products are “manufactured in [their] own dedicated gluten free, dairy free, nut free (except coconuts) facility.” As far as I can tell, this only applies to the crackers, pretzels, and cookies. The MiNiS Graham Bites and THINS Crackers aren’t labeled as nut-free, and the granola bars either contain nuts or come with may-contain warnings. Oh well.

If this post has you drooling—and how could it not?—I have some good news: You can find Mary’s Gone Crackers all over, at Whole Foods, Stop & Shop, Food Emporium, and a whole bunch of health food stores.